Mr Online Dating asked:


Dr’s and psychologists have researched grief and its cycle over time in relation to death and loss.  A divorce, especially if you have been married for a long time is no different in that you need time to grieve your loss.  In addition, Divorce often brings with it a sense of failure and conflicting emotions of love and perhaps hate.  There are five stages to the recovery process:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

During the denial phase, people often convince themselves that it is not really over, that miraculously everything will work out.  Another form of denial is denying that you feel any grief.  If early on in the divorce, you find yourself saying to people that you are over it then you may be setting yourself up for depression.

Next comes the anger – there may be other factors helping to fuel this.  Infidelity, abandonment, being left with the responsibilty of perhaps the home, the children or feeling like you have been cut out of your families lives all help fuel anger.

When the anger starts to fade, often people find themselves bargaining with their ex, as if by settling something the pain will go away.

Depression, more than often still tinged with anger is a feeling of deep sadness. At this stage the severly affected often seek help before settling into the acceptance stage.  At this time, it is time to pick up the pieces and rebuild your new life.

There are often times when the cycles intermingle and overlap or even seem absent.  It is unusual though for any one phase to be missed completely.  There are some things though that can help on that road to recovery and help you to get back “on the scene”.

Take Control

The first thing to do is try to take control of your life, of your finances and to see yourself as an independent being.  There is little point in moping around feeling sorry for yourself or going out and drinking every night.  It is time to stand up and start living the life you want to continue living.

Do things to make you happy – instead of feeling sorry for yourself and coming home every night to a microwave dinner.  Start to do things to make yourself happy.  Go for walks, buy yourself treats, start online dating and chatting to other people who are single, just like you.  Groups online often can help you to meet other singles with similar interests without it becoming so much like a “date”.

Learn who you are and to be yourself – Often during a marriage, you mould yourself and your partner into someone who makes the other happy or at least that they can live with.  Its time to let this go and start to think about what you like, what are your preferences and what you like to do.  You may be surprised with the person you find inside yourself!  Then you can go out or get online and meet others with the same take on life as you – before you know it you will be happier than you were before.  All it takes is for you to make it happen.

Let the past go – Dont dwell on the past, what went wrong and what went right.  That is what it is – the past.  Try to look back on the good times with fondness and forget the bad ever happened.  You may think that is impossible but with effort you will find that it isnt and you can start enjoying your life.

Be an initiator – don’t wait for others to invite you along for the ride – dive in and make things happen.  join social groups, setup your own online groups and invite people to join in the fun.

Dont become a stalker – many people feel that when they get divorced, they still have the right to contact their partner every day and to know what and when they are doing things.  This is not acceptable.  What your ex does and who they see is no longer your concern.  Accept it and move on. If you continue to contact your partner and to try to discuss what has happened continually, even if they ask you not to then you are stalking them.  This is not allowed by law and is not a good place for you to be at emotionally.  Try to meet new friends, online dating allows you to contact like minded folk day or night and so may be the answer for those sleepless nights.

Dont talk about it too much – When you start meeting friends online, you may go through a phase of talking about your ex, your divorce and your feelings.  This is fine and online dating and chat rooms allow you to do this – this could be better than paying a therapist!  Long term though your aim has to be to move forward.  When this time comes then try to avoid talking about your past and talk just about the now.  Noone wants to listen to someone going on and on about a significant other.

Let yourself grieve – there is a time for the grieving and it is important that you allow this healing process to take place.  Just don’t let it take over.

Trust and don’t let your new friends pay for the sins of your ex – Now you are back in the land of the living and hopefully online dating lots of local singles, remember not to let this past divorce spoil things for you in your future.  For instance if your ex cheated, there is nothing to say that your new friends will do similarly.  Trust, be open and honest and things can only get better!

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Robert asked: You’ve been looking for just the right person to explore a relationship with but you can’t seem to find them. Going to social get-togethers and saying yes to your friends’ set-ups have been fun, but they aren’t offering the kind of person you’d like to explore a long term future with. Online dating is a way that you may be able to expand the pool of potential relationship opportunities. If you’ve watched any television lately you know there are many sites available offering relationship advice and possible connections, but which is the best for you. Each of us is, of course, a little different so consider these thoughts as you go about deciding which online dating site will work for you. Safety It would be safe to say that just about everybody has heard about identity theft in today’s society. Even before you begin the process of online dating, and accepting advice on dating, you should be aware that as soon as you enter some piece of information, and hit “return” ,that information is out there never to be taken back. Right from the very start you should be absolutely sure that you want that piece of information available to the world. If a site asks for… just don’t As you investigate the dating sites out there know rule number one; if a site asks for your identity number (social security number) do not give it over, look for another site. If a site asks for a telephone number; do not give it over, look for another site. If a site asks for your street address; do not give it over, look for another site. Costs Decide whether you would like to pay a fee for the use of an online dating service and the dating tips that they will give. There are many good sites out there that offer great match opportunities and relationship advice for free. The overall services that the pay sites may offer could be more numerous then the free sites but that does not necessarily mean that they have a better success rate. Services The benefit of services really depends upon how selective you would like to be in your search for the right person. Each site available has a certain set of services that they offer. These services are for you to select your match and to get to know that match. Selecting a site that offers a lot of services depends on what makes you comfortable in getting to know the other person. Some of the services offered include: social groupings, photo, age, sex preference, regional groupings, advice on dating and other preferences. Contact procedures Getting to know somebody online is one thing but meeting them for the first time in person or over the phone is quite another. Check to see if the site has a procedure where you can take the next step with a certain amount of safety built in. For example; can you speak with your online contact over the phone without either of you knowing the phone number of the other person? Membership Check out the membership of the online dating site. In many instances, the site will open itself up to a little poking around. See if the membership has a good representation in your region and if they are largely; young, older, divorced, professional or religious etc. Oddly, international representation can be a good indicator of a sites’ validity. Although there are exceptions, if a site has a large international representation you may want to be a bit more careful about your selection process. This is because some of the matches may have ulterior motives. These matches will also require a few international dating tips. Ease of use You’ll just have to figure this one out for yourself. Every site will be set up a little different from the others in how they are structured. In a certain sense, this is a good thing for you. If you feel comfortable with the site structure and your match feels comfortable you already have a certain similarity in how you think and work. The closer you get to similar thought patterns the fewer dating tips you will need. Professionally oriented Think about how the site is set up to do business. After all, a majority of sites are trying to make a buck. If the site is set up in a professional looking way and responds to your questions regarding relationship advice or match selections the site is likely genuine in its desire to match you up. If the site is a jumble of personal ads with little structure you may want to give it a closer look before you get involved. Success rates Start by asking friends that may have used the site. Ask if they have had a certain amount of luck meeting decent people. If they have, you may have similar luck. Another option, although it is wise to be a bit skeptical, is to ask for testimonials. It may be difficult to figure out who is sincere and who is not but listening for pat answers or inflections in their voices may help to weed out the less sincere couples. You might also ask them for advice of dating when using the service. This is new territory for you so asking how the process worked for them is a good idea. Does the site offer advice? Dating advice, relationship advice or other tips that can help you along are good indicators of a site that really wants you to succeed. You are really looking for a partnership with the site as much as with a relationship partner. In many ways, it is a lot like interviewing for a job. If somebody offers advice you at least listen. You may not use the job or dating advice but every little tip could help. What do you really want? This could be quite a bit trickier to answer then you may think. Having an idea of what you want and what will work can be a lot different then what will actually make the best match. If a site offers a personality or matching test, be honest with whom you feel you really are. There is really no sense in lying to yourself and wasting everybody’s time in the process.